Vivaaham.org - Christian Matrimonial Specialists.

Match Making Made Easy
Leslie Verghese, LCSW :

(Leslie Verghese is the Executive Director of Agape Partners International and the Director of Lifespire Clinic Services, a premier Social Service and Rehabilitation agency in New York. Rev. Verghese is a licensed psychotherapist practicing in New York. He is also a minister at the First Church of God in Elmont, NY. lverghese@agapepartners.org. )

In the past two centuries, the world has seen an unprecedented scientific, financial and intellectual growth which has come with a heavy price tag. It has crossed cultural and ethnic boundaries in its course. Until the beginning of the 20th century societies believed in a Biblical Morality which meant that there is such a thing a right and wrong and people knew why. For the next fifty years societies moved to ‘abiblical morality’. Societies knew there were such things that were right and wrong but did not know why. The 60’s and 70’s saw the influx of immorality where even though people knew that certain things were right and wrong, they did not ‘care’. Since then, the developed as well as developing societies have been under the influence of a state of ‘amorality’ or ‘relative morality’. It simply means that there is no such thing as right or wrong.
Amidst these chaotic times Communities have been facing some unprecedented challenges in balancing the contemporary trends and the age old traditions. In a frenzy to keep a balance between these two, the truth that an institution such as marriage is God-ordained, has been forgotten in many cases. Often times, it has come to the attention of Church leadership that a lot of ambiguities exist among the younger generation about the biblical basis for marriage. Preparation before marriage is extremely important in building the foundation for a successful marriage.

How can one discern the will of God before preparing for Marriage?

Psalms 37: 4. Delight yourself in the Lord. He will give you the desires of your heart. Genesis 2:22: Then the Lord God made a woman from the rib of the man. He brought her to him to be his helper.
What is the true divine pattern for entering into the greatest institution of marriage? God the creator is revealed at the scene of the beginning of human history in the role of a match maker! The greatest book in the history of mankind opens with a wedding in the book of Genesis and ends with a wedding in the book of Revelation. At the initiation of human history, the creator solemnizes the first wedding and the present human history will come to an end with the eternal wedding of the Lamb of God. Think of the importance God places in this divine institution! To prove it further, the Lamb of God coming in human form for the completion of the plan of Redemption chose to start his public ministry at a wedding feast at Cana.

God who opened human history with a scene of amazing intimacy— intimacy between Him and man, went on to show the intimacy between man and woman all through the history of mankind. This began in the Garden and has stretched to the Galilee. Significantly, the Genesis account of marriage reveals four important truths about it, all of which apply even today because God has not changed even though man and church has. If we understand these four truths, the whole confusion on dating, premarital sex, abortion, and divorce will be solved.

1. The concept of marriage originated with God. Adam had no part in it. He did not formulate it. He did not ask for such a provision. It was God not Adam who decided that Adam needed a mate. Adam was not even aware of his own need!

2. It was God who formed Eve for Adam. He alone knew what kind of mate Adam needed.

3. It was God who presented Eve to Adam. Adam did not go in search of her.

4. God decided how they should relate to each other. The end purpose was perfect unity. Genesis 2:24 says for this reason a man will leave his parents, cleave to his wife and they will become one flesh.

If you follow God’s provision, purpose, and guideline and practically apply them to your life, you will never find yourself in the gutter. God’s plan has not changed even an inch for the contemporary Christians, but they chose to change the pattern without divine guidance and messed up their own lives. What do these four truths mean in practical terms?

Only those who fulfill the first three requirements can expect to enjoy the fourth. The irony is that all problems we see have cropped up because the end purpose was achieved without meeting the requirements. You may be tempted at this time to dismiss these principles as old fashioned and super spiritual that do not fit to your standards. There is never a devaluation of the heavenly currency. American and Indian currencies will be devalued, cultural values will be eroded, but divine standards are unchanging to eternity. For the followers of Jesus, the requirements are just the same as they were two thousand years ago.

These principles are not abstract theories to be followed; rather they are entwined with our daily Christian life with guidance and over ruling of the Holy Spirit.

God said that it was not good for man to be alone, and the craving to regain completion by getting the lost rib back can be satisfied only by this sacred covenant of marriage. In Ephesians chapter 5, Paul calls it a mystery. In proverbs, Solomon calls it a locked garden. No Psychology or Theology can solve this mystery or open up this locked garden. Those who are not married yet, may get the best counseling, and may be reading the best books in the market on this subject, but they will still be like a person standing by the swimming pool and trying to learn how to swim without actually going into the water. When God gives you the key, He actually guides you every step of the way in this learning process.

The Basic Foundations that form the Guidelines for a Relationship are:

• God initiated it.
• God made the decision.
• God knew the mate. Man did not.
• God prepared the woman. Man did not.
• God presented her to man. Man did not go in search of her.
• God’s end purpose was unity.
• Jesus upheld the plan and the disciples followed it.

God’s standards are high but are not unattainable. God wants every man and woman to be led into a gate way that leads to this great institution of marriage. When we go through this way, all the guidelines set by God will be completely fulfilled. What is this gateway?

In Romans 12: 1, Paul introduces us to this great door–– Offer your bodies as living sacrifices. When he says living, he is distinguishing the sacrifice distinctly from the Old Testament sacrifice. Here you offer your active, living body dedicated to Him, which in essence is a complete surrender of one’s will. You no longer have ownership. You no longer make decisions or choices. The purpose is to make your bodies holy and sanctified. Unfortunately, many young people have abused their bodies by drugs, illicit sex, and other degrading practices without knowing that their bodies are the temples of the living God. When you present yourself as the sacrifice, your flesh is burning on the altar of God. Once the surrender is done, there is a renewal of the mind. That changes our goals, motives, attitudes, priorities. Dear brothers, and sisters, once you entered through this gate, he wants you to cultivate some important attitudes.

Reverence and humility are essential to approach this sacred mystery. The mystery hidden in Ephesians 5: 25-32, should literally be translated to one’s life. Human marriage is a counterpart of the relationship between Christ and the church. It is an intimate, perfect, and eternal oneness. Please have the humility to accept the fact that in His time He makes all things beautiful. In His time, not in our time and thus be willing to wait for His time.

Attitude about yourself is equally important. A sense of self worth is essential in having a successful life. Let not your past life haunt you at any time as you are preparing for marriage because if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old is gone completely.

Apostle Paul quotes another attitude after he gives instructions on marriage in Ephesians 6: 1-3
TO HONOR YOUR FATHER AND MOTHER SO THAT IT MAY BE WELL WITH YOU. The first four of the Ten Commandments or the last five do not have a promise attached to it. However, the fifth is a conditional promise and a commandment at the same time. Thus, a proper attitude toward parents is essential in receiving God’s blessings in any one’s life.

Assume that you cultivate a wrong attitude toward your parents in your marriage! You may be zealous for God, you may be a world evangelist, you may be active in church, and you may be energetic in the ministry. You may have a place reserved ion heaven. What you lack is the blessing and favor of God in your family life because His commandments are always yes, and yes.

Many young people struggle with problems in marriage that they are not able to trace to the source. They are committed to the Lord and one to another in their family life. There is genuine love between them. Still something is lacking - problem after problem - no peace of mind - children do not walk in the ways of God - no security in life! Don’t we see these couples around us? Only one medicine is available in the whole wide world. Examine your attitude toward your parents. Make amends that the scriptures require you to make. God’s statutes do not change whatever man does. The only act of man that can change God’s mind is a prayer of repentance.

The right attitudes will lead you through the guidelines of the right actions to right relationships. Grace operates through laws written by the Holy Spirit which function as the finger of God. The Holy Spirit makes this high system of morality to an easily attainable state. Imagine the growth of the potted creeping plant that we have in our homes. Small nails or other projections are placed on walls and ceilings, so that this plant can reach out a tendril and grow onto it. The prompting and guidance of the Holy Spirit help us to reach one step after the other. The growth will be complete at His appointed time and you will see the blossom.

The Guidelines

PROVERBS 4:23- ABOVE ALL ELSE, GUARD YOUR HEART, FOR IT IS THE WELL SPRING OF LIFE. Be watchful as to what you allow into your heart. You are being bombarded with things that undermine biblical standards on sex and marriage. Media, school, peers and may be even some of the decaying churches of this century. GUARD YOURSELF AGAINST FANTASY BECAUSE YOU MAY COME TO A POINT WHERE YOU ARE UNABLE TO DISTINGUISH BETWEEN FANTASY AND REALITY. IT CAN AFFECT YOU IN TWO WAYS.

1) The mate that God has appointed for you may not correspond to your image of your fantasy and you end up rejecting God’s will.

2) You may end up imposing your fantasies upon a real person and marry that person. Later you will discover that, this person is totally different from the one in your fantasy.

The results of both are disastrous. Be careful in the things that you release out of your heart as well. Do not indulge in flirtations or the so called superficial relationships with the opposite sex. It is exciting to stir up emotions, but one day you will find out that the emotions have taken control over you. The ship is supposed to be sailing in the sea, but imagine the plight of the ship that has water in it. Fire in the fire place is warm, inviting, pleasurable, and exciting. Imagine it being on your lap!
ISAIAH 64:4 - SINCE ANCIENT TIMES NO ONE HAS HEARD, NO EAR HAS PERCEIVED, AND NO EYE HAS SEEN ANY GOD BESIDE YOU WHO ACTS IN THE BEHALF OF THOSE WHO WAIT FOR HIM. HARDEST RULE TO FOLLOW?-BE PREPARED TO WAIT! If He unites us quickly, let’s praise God for that, and if He wants us to wait, praise Him just the same. WAITING TESTS OUR FAITH, PURIFIES OUR MOTIVES, AND BUILDS OUR CHARACTER.

PROVERBS 12:15 - THE WAY OF A FOOL SEEMS RIGHT TO HIM, BUT A WISE MAN LISTENS TO ADVISE. PROV. 15:5 SAYS THAT A FOOL SPURNS HIS FATHER’S ADVICE AND DISCIPLINE, BUT WHOSOEVER HEEDS CORRECTIONS SHOWS PRUDENCE. Exercise patience and self restraint and take the advice of parents in order to receive the blessings of God in your family life. Seek the counsel of godly men and women who are older in years and in faith. They have already traveled the way that you are going to tread. Before taking the steering wheel for the first time, let a successful and experienced driver guide you.

If we want the Lord to give us the right mate, we must diligently cultivate God’s favor. Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart. Make God’s favor the objective of your living. He will make the choice, do the preparation and give the provision of your mate in the right place at the right time.

REMEMBER

GOD INITIATED IT –– MAN DID NOT.
GOD DECIDED IT –– MAN DID NOT.
GOD KNEW THE MATE–– MAN DID NOT.
GOD PREPARED THE MATE–– MAN DID NOT.
GOD PRESENTED THE MATE TO MAN–– MAN DID NOT GO IN SEARCH OF HER.
GOD"S END PURPOSE WAS PERFECT UNITY.
JESUS UPHELD IT.
DISCIPLES FOLLOWED IT.
FOR US TO FOLLOW UNTIL HE TAKES US TO GLORY.

Model Marriage: Suggested Guidelines
Leslie Verghese, LCSW

(Leslie Verghese is the Executive Director of Agape Partners International and the Director of Lifespire Clinic Services, a premier Social Service and Rehabilitation agency in New York. Rev. Verghese is a licensed psychotherapist practicing in New York. He is also a minister at the First Church of God in Elmont, NY. lverghese@agapepartners.org.)

The Communities all over the world have gone through radical changes socially, spiritually and materially over the past two decades. As the third and fourth generations of the Christian community who are born and brought up in a totally different culture are now ready to enter into family life, there has been an increasing concern over the fast changing practices of the choice of partners as well as the actual wedding ceremony. Apart from the cultural and generational differences, what is seriously lacking in our communities is a set of written guidelines based on biblical patterns and conservative Christian traditions. An effort to address these concerns has been made here. It is suggested that Pastors, Parents, and Young men and women take these guidelines seriously and follow a pattern that will bring glory and honor to our eternal bridegroom

Choice of Partner

Prayerful Approach – Young men and women as they enter into adulthood must earnestly seek God’s guidance in finding the right person for them for the long lasting covenant of marriage. Whether arranged by parents or the partners themselves, the first and foremost prerequisite is seeking God’s will through Prayer. This will lead to friends, family, circumstances, and other situations that clearly identifies God’s will before one commits to say ‘I do’

Parental Involvement – Whether arranged by parents or by other means, parental involvement in choice of partners for their children and the arrangement of the marriage function is extremely crucial. The parents and the young man or woman together must come to a loving and prayerful understanding about it.

Testimony – Testimony in the family, church and society is an integral aspect of choosing a suitable marriage partner

Compatibility – Compatibility in many areas is an important component of a healthy choice

Planning – Planning a wedding ceremony takes a lot of effort. Some key areas that are usually overlooked in today’s weddings are”

Ceremony – Modesty should be the hallmark of a Christian wedding ceremony.

Approach the ceremony with reverence – The bride and groom, members of both parties and everyone else entrusted with any function must approach the ceremony with reverence to the presence of God as well as respect the audience in everything they do.
Bridal and Groom’s Party – Both parties should completely avoid any non-Christian person especially for the wedding ceremony even in the capacity of grooms men and brides maids. Everyone that has some function to carry out during the ceremony must be well informed about the solemnity of the occasion.
Dress Code – Whether in the traditional Indian attire or in the more contemporary gowns, the Bride and the maids must wear clothes that sufficiently cover all body parts in a decent manner as pleasing unto the Lord. No revealing clothes must be permitted.
Songs – All songs chosen for the ceremony must be glorifying Christ. No secular songs that depict the love of a man to a woman or vice versa must be allowed to be sung at the function.
Ministry of the Word – The word of God has paramount importance in any Christian function and marriage is no exception. There must at least be 10-15 minutes set apart for an anointed minister of the gospel who is proven to address a mixed audience to share the word of God. The delivery of God’s word must be in contemporary and understandable language.
Length of Program – Do not pack the ceremony with messages, songs, introductions, announcements and prayers. The entire length of program from the processional to the recessional should take no longer than 90 minutes. Avoid repetitive prayers and reading of scriptures to accommodate the invited guests or ministers present.
Food – The invited guests must always be in mind while choosing the type of food served at a wedding. As most of our invitees are people of Indian origin, rice must be part of the food either during the cocktail hour or when the main course is served. It is recommended that a mix of American and Asian food items is the best balanced approach. Always bear in mind that people who have driven for miles to get to the wedding must not go back starving.
Programs for Reception – It is a time of celebration. However, no one should forget that the same presence of God that was at the ceremony is expected to be there during reception as well.

Never serve any alcoholic beverages

Off-color jokes that comprises the principles of Christianity must not be allowed
Music chosen for reception must be free of any sexual, satanic, and anti Christian innuendo.
Dance, disco, and other non-Christian traditions such as throwing of the bouquet etc must be strongly discouraged.

Excellent Families
Dr. J. N. Manokaran

(Rev. Dr. J.N. Manokaran served as Junior Engineer with Public Works Department (PWD), Tamil Nadu Government and God called him to ministry. He served as missionary in Haryana from 1986-1997. Since 1997 he has been based in Chennai and is involved in training leaders. He has done his theological trainings with B.D., M.Th. and Ph.D. He has been trained in Coaching and Mentoring, Church Management from renowned global leaders. Presently he serves as trainer and consultant with several organizations like: Trainers of Pastors International Coalition – India, Glocal Leaders Network, Christian Institute of Management, National Prayer Network, Chennai Transformation Network, Mission India and has trained leaders from several organizations like ICGM, Intermission, Mission India, FMPB, IEM, TTM, World Vision, IPC, Christian Assembly, NSM, JMA, ..etc. He has authored several articles and three books: 1. “Christ and Cities” 2. “Christ and Missional Leaders.” 3. “Christ and Transformational Missions”. )

Families are God ordained functional unit of the society. In the Church also families form dynamic unit. Strong families indicate a strong nation and a dynamic church. Satan, in the last days is targeting the family life: breaking families, redefining meaning for families, and promoting sex outside marriage. Strong families emerge when couples love one another, committed to one another and submit to one another.

Marriage is a mystical union of two persons. Bible defines that spouses become one flesh. (Genesis 2:24) It means that they are one in Physical, mental, spiritual or emotional life. They live for one another, nurture one another and care for one another that create physical intimacy. Even in the thinking process, they learn to think alike or have oneness in their decisions. Spiritually, they are strength for one another. Paul writes that an unbelieving husband becomes holy, if the wife is a believer. “For the unbelieving husband has been sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife has been sanctified through her believing husband. Otherwise your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy.” (I Corinthians 7:14)

Family is not competition arena or sports stadium to compete with one another. It is a place where people are encouraged and affirmed. Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. (I Cor 13: 4)Unfortunately, there is an unhealthy competition between spouses in the areas of education, career, income, social status etc. Then it results in personality clashes that could end up in domestic violence, physical or verbal abuse. Encouraging the spouse and children to do their best, will bring lasting value for each member of the family.

Either one spouse controls another or both empower one another. Controlling the spouse means exercising power or authority over other person. As the saying goes; Power corrupts and absolute power corrupts absolutely. When a person gains upper hand over his/her spouse; then the other person is reduced to a status where there is no dignity and decorum; instead of fair play there is power play. Empowering the other spouse means providing freedom to operate. That freedom helps a person to blossom. That means the natural talents, spiritual gifts, skills are used, developed and displayed for the benefit of family and outside.

Forgiving and Forgetting should be a natural habit between spouses. They are not enemies living together under one roof but of one flesh. As all human beings are fallen beings, no person is perfect. There would be shortcomings, annoying traits, mistakes, weaknesses, different personality style, communication style etc. Love is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. (I Cor 13:5) Trying to change the other person is like being rude to them. Instead of trying to change the other person, it is wise to learn to adapt to the other person. Both have to make adjustments. These adjustments could be possible, only when spouses are willing to forgive and forget the blunders that each person commits.

Spouses are the best ‘cheer leaders’. Unfortunately spouses become bitter critics and do the opposite to the spouse. Affirmation, honest evaluation and suggestions help the spouse to move forward. Moral and spiritual support of the spouse is vital for growth and excellent performance in various areas of life.

Spouses should find time to engage together in certain activities. It could be inside home, like cooking or gardening; or outside the home, like shopping, picnic. Doing things together develops more understanding, acceptance, communication skills between spouses. Spiritual activities like fasting and praying together, reading bible together, memorizing scriptures, and meditating together also is beneficial.

There are always areas that could be explored in the world. As couples and families, it is good to explore new ideas, new places, new technology and new projects. Reading or watching a new concept book or documentary will help the spouses to grow together. Going to new places for holidays (apart from visiting relatives) opens new horizon or broader understanding of the world. Learning to use a new mobile phone with modern features or trying deciphering modern blogs are example of exploring together. May be being part of short term mission trip to a new country is another way to explore.

Life is not at all a bed of roses. There would be conflicts from within and attacks from outside. For Christians there is another dimension of satanic attacks. Sometimes temporary loss of job or sickness or accidents or natural calamities could be a setback in the family. During those low moments, it is necessary to stick together and endure together. More bonding between spouses happens during adverse circumstances. Satan could use his horrific weapons to divide the family. One of his weapons is doubt or suspicion. Many weak Christians become victim of this. But, it is good to remember, love always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. (I Cor 13:6)

As spouses, they should learn to rejoice and enjoy life. Yes, life is a pilgrimage or strenuous journey. But, that does not mean there is no joy or peace in that journey. There are numerous things the spouses could celebrate and enjoy. Enjoy life with your wife, whom you love, all the days of this meaningless life that God has given you under the sun— all your meaningless days. For this is your lot in life and in your toilsome labor under the sun. (Eccl 9:9)

Festivals, birthdays, marriage anniversaries should be special occasions, when they could take time off their busy schedule to enjoy. Vacations and picnics are opportunities to enjoy together. These times could be memorable times that could be cherished lifelong.

Five men man can chase a thousand while ten together could chase ten thousand. (Deut 26:8) It talks about synergy and unity. If two agree and pray, God hears such prayers. (Matthew 18:19) As couples, they could excel in various areas of life. Tennis doubles team is a good example. One person has to cover the failing or weakness of the other person. Both work in tandem so that they could compensate the other person’s weaknesses or shortcomings or failures. Husband-wife team is such team that could excel and achieve great feats.

In the modern world, family life is the anchor in the midst of stress, moral decay and confusion. The very haven is being attacked by storms of skeptics, modernists, postmodernists, pseudo prophetic media, and new age philosophers. The need of the times is Biblically modeled families that could be light and salt in the crooked generation.

First Family
By Dr. J. N. Manokaran

Recently a young man shared that he wanted to get married. He was a Christian for some time and did not have a steady job or income. I asked him, “Why he wanted to marry?”. His answer was: “My mother is getting old. She is unable to do all her household chores, so she needs a daughter-in-law to work with her.” Obviously, I replied, “What about having a servant?” “We have to pay for a servant.” Then, I replied, “You need unpaid servant for your home?” This is a typical mindset of people, especially in India. The misconception of wife as ‘servant’, ‘slave’, ‘sex toy’ and ‘sub-ordinate’ is dominant thinking of people. But it is not biblical thinking. By learning about the first couple, it is possible to understand God’s plan for family and principles that govern family life of a Christian.

Wife is a partner

God knew that Adam was alone and needed a ‘help-mate’. The Lord God said, "It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him." (Genesis 2:18)

So, wife is not a slave or servant but a partner with husband to build the family. The couple is to partners in spiritual, moral, mental, social and family life. Together they have to grow in the knowledge of the Lord, build a godly family, and give priority to the Kingdom of God and its righteousness. (Matthew 6:33) She is not a baby producing machine or manual labourer.

God provides the right partner

Adam was put to deep sleep for the Lord. Searching for right partner is good but seeking the Lord for good partner is even better. For God took the initiative to provide Eve for Adam. That means, God is interested in marriage and ordains the right partner for each person. While Adam was asleep, God was at work. When a person prays for the right partner, God prepares the right person and connects in an amazing way.

Wife is an equal partner

In the creation of Eve, God uses the rib of Adam as raw material. She was not created from the head of Adam so that she dominates or rules over him. Nor she was created from Adam’s legs or feet that she becomes her slave and spend all her life in servitude. Instead, she was created from the rib, showing that she is equal partner in the family.

Leave and Cleave to partner

God’s commandment was given to man and not woman. In Indian context, the wife is commanded to forget her household and cleave to the family of husband. But, the Bible says that the man has to forget his parents or detached from his parents. Detachment need not be physical but certainly emotional. For a man, after marriage, mother is not his priority, but his wife. There are men who have not detached their umbilical chord even as adult. They strive to please mother by harassing or hating their wives.

Become one flesh

Marriage is union of a man and a woman as one body, which is sacred, mystical and mysterious ordained by God. This institution is beyond description, very complex but simple and profound in real life experience. As one flesh, man seeks to nourish and cherish his wife and so does she to her husband. So, domestic violence is self-destructive suicidal act. Depriving the other of marital rights and other needs is grave injustice to oneself.

Be of one mind

As one flesh, they are expected to be of one mind. That means to understand one another and take joint decisions. The decisions should be God honouring, bringing glory to His name and witness to others. But, sadly the first couple took a decision that was rebellious, disobedient and foolish decision. “Now the serpent was more crafty than any of the wild animals the Lord God had made. He said to the woman, "Did God really say, 'You must not eat from any tree in the garden'?" The woman said to the serpent, "We may eat fruit from the trees in the garden, but God did say, 'You must not eat fruit from the tree that is in the middle of the garden, and you must not touch it, or you will die.' " "You will not surely die," the serpent said to the woman. "For God knows that when you eat of it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil." When the woman saw that the fruit of the tree was good for food and pleasing to the eye, and also desirable for gaining wisdom, she took some and ate it. She also gave some to her husband, who was with her, and he ate it. Then the eyes of both of them were opened, and they realized they were naked; so they sewed fig leaves together and made coverings for themselves. (Genesis 3: 1-7)

There is no indication in this passage that Eve was alone. Adam was there but did not take part in the conversation. He consented to a foolish decision, when he could have given the right perspective. So, it was a joint decision but a wrong decision. Major decision making should be done with God’s word as reference and not diluted version of His Word that may tally with the cultural values.

Both are equally accountable

God confronted the first couple when they sinned. In this, Adam tried to shift the blame while Eve confessed his sin. Adam blamed Eve and even blamed God for giving Eve as his wife. Instead of accepting responsibility for his failure to stop Eve from eating the fruit, he used Eve as ‘scape goat’. This is the same pass time for husbands through out generations to blame their wives for any family misfortune. In contrast, Eve accepted her foolishness that she was deceived by cunning Satan. She was honest enough to admit her mistake.

God punished both of them as representatives of whole humanity.

Conclusion
The biblical principles for governing the family are contrary to popular culture. It is essential for Christians in India to follow biblical values and create a new role model families as challenge for other families.

Parental Abuse May Damage Children's Brain
Thomas Idiculla, PhD
(Thomas Idiculla is the founder and President of Agape Partners International, Boston, MA and the Director of Mental Health Services Evaluation Department at McLean Hospital, one of the largest psychiatric hospitals of Harvard Medical School in Boston.)

View all articles by Thomas Idiculla, PhD

Parental Abuse May Scar Young brains
Thomas Idiculla, PhD

Over 900,000 children in US are victims of parental abuse every year. The scars of the child abuse can be deep and long-lasting, often leading to future child abuse. Abuse generally falls into one or more of the following categories: physical, sexual, emotional or psychological abuse, and generally escalates over a period of time. Verbal abuse falls into many categories, including: abusive anger: criticizing, name-calling, threatening, blaming, using words to shame, yelling, swearing and screaming, and using threats to intimidate feelings. Physical abuse can include striking a child with the foot or burning, shaking, pushing, or throwing a child; or biting the child, pulling a child by the hair or cutting off a child’s air. Another form of child abuse involving babies is shaken baby syndrome, in which a frustrated parent shakes a baby roughly to make the baby stop crying, causing brain damage that often leads to severe neurological problems and even death.

Parental verbal abuse often wound children so deeply that the effects remain apparent into young adulthood. Furthermore, it is noted that verbal abuse contributes towards more serious psychological complexities greater than that caused by physical abuse. Parental verbal abuse during childhood can scar brain deeply. A new research study headed by Martin Teicher, M.D., Ph.D., director of the Developmental Biopsychiatry Research Program at McLean Hospital, affiliated with Harvard Medical School found that verbally abusive parents could cause lasting damage to brain pathways that regulate emotions and process language in their children. This is the first evidence of the potential injurious effect of ridicule, humiliation, and disdain on brain connectivity. This discovery was published in the February 1 issue of Biological Psychiatry. The findings illustrate the need for taking a positive step toward healthy parenting.

Abusive parents say that their behaviors are often simple forms of discipline, ways to make children learn to meet their expectations or behave properly. But there’s a big difference between a swat on the child and twisting the child’s arm until it breaks. There are many confounding factors that lead to child abuse. The major risk factors for child abuse include: 1) our own history of childhood abuse - the patterns we learn in childhood are often what we use as parents. Without admitting this problem and insight, sadly, the cycle of child abuse often continues to generations; 2) Stress and lack of support - parenting can be a very time intensive, difficult job. Parents caring for children without support from family, friends or the community can be under much stress. Many adults often struggle with their own maturity and patience required to effectively parent.

Verbal abuse is a difficult emotional problem, but there is hope if the abuser is willing to confront his or her sin and get help. Do you have a bad and unpredictable temper? Do you hurt or threaten or harm your children? Do you destroy your belongings? If you are an abusive parent, a support and educational help and seminars for parents and churches are available from Agape Partners and other Christian support and counseling organizations.

Christian parenting is the building of lives by teaching the children to know God and His will and act responsibly, and to think independently and critically. First, know that God loves you. However you must admit your problem or weakness or bad temper and ask God for forgiveness and deliverance. Here are some key biblical principles. The Bible warns us about the dangers of an angry person. Proverbs 22:24 says, "Do not associate with a man given to anger; or go with a hot-tempered man." Proverbs 29:22 says, "An angry man stirs up strife, and a hot-tempered man abounds in transgression."

Second, I would recommend that you seek help from a pastor or counselor. However, I would also advice that you gather godly men and women together who can lovingly help you to be free from this behavior. A Christian counselor could guide you and lovingly restore you with a spirit of gentleness. Third, the Bible also instructs us, “Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it.” (Proverbs 22:6); “Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord “(Ephesians 6:4); “Fathers, do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged “(Colossians 3:21); “Teach them to your children, talking about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie done and when you get up “(Deuteronomy 11:19).

If children live with criticism, they learn to condemn.
If children live with hostility, they learn to fight.
If children live with fear, they learn to be apprehensive.
If children live with pity, they learn to feel sorry for themselves.
If children live with ridicule, they learn to feel shy.
If children live with jealousy, they learn to feel envy.
If children live with shame, they learn to feel guilty.
If children live with encouragement, they learn confidence.
If children live with tolerance, they learn patience.
If children live with praise, they learn appreciation.
If children live with acceptance, they learn to love.
If children live with approval, they learn to like themselves.
If children live with recognition, they learn it is good to have a goal.
If children live with sharing, they learn generosity.
If children live with honesty, they learn truthfulness.
If children live with fairness, they learn justice.
If children live with kindness and consideration, they learn respect.
If children live with security, they learn to have faith in themselves and in those about them.
If children live with friendliness, they learn the world is a nice place in which to live.